Lynn Berry

Many, many books have been written on emotions. Have they appealed to you? Do you believe you are what you are, with no reason to change? Let’s have a look at how some have framed it.

Some books have appealed to the business/work side of being a better person. Think of the emotional intelligence books that say the reason why some people are successful is that they have emotional intelligence. In a sentence, this could be summarised as having control over the emotions in dealing with other people and events.

This is being a bit general but this is the gist of it – having control over emotions basically means being aware of how others, events or possibilities effect us and how we then respond. It may seem that having such control over our emotions means we start behaving robotically, but to the contrary.

Without passion and desire it would be difficult to maintain daily momentum to get through life, although we may choose to sleepwalk through it. These emotions fire us to be better and do better at work or at other achievements. We want to achieve a promotion, more money, a better job, have good relationships, do well in whatever we do.

In interactions with others we generally want these to be positive, we want to move forward, we want to get the job done, we want what we want. Yet how can we ensure this if we are not aware of our reactions or the emotions of others? Have you ever experienced negative interactions because of how you or someone else reacted to what was said?

I’ve experienced some uncomfortable meetings because two or more people were acting out their displeasure at whatever each had said. The meetings went for longer as others attempted to patch up the issue and focus on the meeting. Do we want these people on our team, working for us, working with clients? Do we want to spend the time to help them get over their emotions?

Many people say they don’t have to change their behaviour, in particular, the way they speak. They say if the other person can’t handle it it is their problem. Is it really their problem?

Let’s say Person A wants to speak in any way they want; in the way they usually speak. Ok, presumably Person A has no problem having others speaking to them in that way either. Even so, having that expectation is unrealistic because we don’t all operate in the same way. We are not all the same! What we believe, isn’t what another believes.

Because we are not all the same means we can’t expect to say something and have that understood by everyone in exactly the same way. Numerous studies have shown just how diverse understandings are. The same message can trigger different responses.

In reality it is the speakers “problem” to ensure what is communicated is communicated clearly, completely, sensitively, compassionately. This will help reduce the need for further or excessive interaction. Importantly the speaker is seen as cooperating, as a willing participant, in the communication process rather than being defensive.

So you don’t want to change the way you communicate! Fine – just don’t expect that it will work out how you think. Don’t have expectations about what you expect to hear or possible reactions.

Having respect or appreciation for another is adjusting to the dance of the conversation enjoying the interaction for the awareness, clarity and joy it gives us, and allowing for truth in the message.

If we all operate with respect for each other, carefully listening with compassion (not pity, not anger, not arrogance) and awareness, we can hear what is important rather than hear something that is simply a reaction within us.

This does not mean we should hide our feelings or hide what we truly want to say. Speaking our truth may mean showing passion, showing others how deeply we feel about something. It may mean showing that we are angry about something. But we don’t make it the other person’s responsibility about how we feel. This is entirely our responsibility.

I was saddened by a story of a group of elderly ladies who met regularly for coffee and discussion but who due to comments and reactions of a couple stopped meeting. My friend said she looked forward to those meetings, the sharing of information and the warmth of another. One lady was blunt and another sensitive. And over time with one not happy with the other’s bluntness and not saying anything, the friendship group blew up.

Are you a reactive person – reacting emotionally to the actions or words of others? Or are you a creative person – being aware and choosing a response that reflects who you are as a person? As a reactive person you may regret what you said – you let your emotions do the talking. This is someone out of control – their emotions are out of control.

How many times have you heard someone say that X happened because they reacted so angrily, they were so enraged, they couldn’t stop themselves hitting, shouting, slamming whatever.

Being a better person is being aware that emotions may control how we act, our own reactions, and those of the people we’re interacting with. Being a better person is ensuring that we communicate sensitively appreciating others and understanding when emotions work negatively.

If we believe that everyone is here to grow to their potential, how good do we feel when we not only help ourselves in that, but also help others. Since interacting with others is important is that growth, it is our responsibility to ensure it is done compassionately.

How do you know if your emotions are controlling you? Keep a watch on yourself. Notice what you think, do or say.

To sum up

• Your feelings are your responsibility; don’t blame others for how you feel
• Have respect and appreciation for yourself and others
• Control your emotions, not the other way around. Why? Because emotions don’t make the person, although people do react as they have always done instead of creating who they want to be.